Bang Went The Chance of a Lifetime

By Sax Rohmer (1908)

Performed and recorded by George Robey

 

Now old aunt Rebecca is rich;

She's the Dowager Duchess of Diddle.

When she dies I inherit a million or so,

But the old girl's as fit as a fiddle.

Whilst gunning the moors on the twelfth,

In a quiet lonely spot by the sea,

I saw someone there by the cliff, I declare,

'Twas the Dowager Duchess of D!

At that critical moment some birds came in sight,

So I upped with my gun and I blazed left and right;

And I nearly hit auntie! Yes-nearly, not quite!

And bang went the chance of a lifetime.

Returning one night from a ball,

In a mellowish mood and reflective,

I saw a strange light in a bank-I said, "Ha!

I'll play Sherlock Holmes the detective."

A half-open window I spied,

And inside I proceeded to slip;

There a burglar I saw forcing wide the safe door,

So I held him in muscular grip!

But he slipped and he bunked, he was wiry and thin;

And the safe was wide open and slap full of "tin"!

I drew a deep breath-then two coppers rushed in!

And bang went the chance of a lifetime.

Now the wife and her mother last June,

Went to stay with the Marquis de Caxey.

They needed to catch an early train

So I saw them safe off in a taxi.

At somewhere about ten o'clock

Came a telegram-Heavens alive!-

Poor dear Ma and the wife! Fearful smash! Loss of life!

Total wreck of the eight-forty-five!

'Twas a terrible crash, eighty passengers slain!

And I manfully struggled my tears to restrain,

When the ghastly news reached me... they'd both missed the train!

And bang went the chance of a lifetime! (Sobs)

Once I courted a sweet winsome wench

She was nineteen and also an heiress,

(It's nice when a girl is a Venus galore

And also a millionairess!)

I wooed her, I wooed, I won

"My darling," she said, "I am thine!"

She swore she'd be true

So I thought I would too;

What do you think? I thought it was fine!

My sweet Hyacinth, fairest of flowers that blow!

(With a millionaire Pa in Chicago, what ho! )

So I put up the banns, then the wife got to know,

And bang went the chance of a lifetime.